On the eve of my birthday...

On the eve of my birthday, I feel like crying. Not crying tears of joy but weeping tears of self-pity. While those of my age are nearing or at the peak of their career and riding the waves of success, I marooned myself on the island of (voluntary) unemployment.

It all began a little less than 4 years ago when there was a mass redundancy at the firm I used to work for which was also my very first employer. Involuntary unemployment. However, within a month I was back in the workforce again in an almost identical role churning out financial statements and income tax returns. However, 7 months down the line I was getting rather tired of my role as I have been doing the same type of work since 2007 and very much needed a new environment with a new challenge. A Big 4 accounting firm accepted me in their tax department. The remuneration offered was atrocious as I had been downgraded to graduate salary after having 3 years' worth of work experience which they did not recognise. 3 months down the line, I quit. There was too much office politics with colleagues backstabbing each other. The hours were also long when there were tax audits case to close. The job also involved too much travelling to clients' premises and the tax office. In addition, I found it hard to get by with the meagre salary of a freshie. Within 2 weeks of voluntary unemployment, I received a phone call from a large Business Process Outsourcing company asking me to attend an interview for a position I had applied to 3 months before. It was for a consultancy role - something very new to me. I passed the tests and interview and accepted the job offer. The salary offered was much more reasonable compared to the Big 4. As with all things new, it was initially a very steep learning curve as I had to equip myself with all the knowledge required to provide sound advice to the internal team and to our external clients. However, 2 months into my new role, there was a management restructuring which ultimately saw my team without a manager. Another 3 months went by with no sign of a manager to lead the team. I wasn't even sure where we were headed to. I just did my job as required, growing weary of the uncertainties as each day passed. Realising I could not work like this anymore and not wanting to restrict myself expertise to such a narrow scope in payroll and statutory compliance, I jumped upon the chance when a former colleague at my second employer informed me of a vacancy and that they were willing to re-hire me. I went back to my old office refreshed and with a brand new perspective; I was motivated and happy to go to work again. However, my happiness was short lived and only lasted for 1 year and 3 months. In June last year, there came the devastating news that my employment with the company had been terminated due to a company-wide redundancy which saw all its employees jobless. This would be my second redundancy in 3 years. Involuntary unemployment again. I tarried for 3 months and was the last of my peers to get back into the workforce. This time, I joined the shared services centre of a large multinational company, optimistic that I could serve a minimum of 1 year. Alas, I couldn't stay a day longer after 7 months of hell and called it quits after going through 2 out of 3 critical points in the annual tax accounting cycle.

So here I am, jotting my memoirs of a failed career in accounting. I feel so lost and I don't know what to do next. To tread down the safe path would be heading in the direction of accounting but I am all too certain that my fate would be the same; it's as good as career suicide. It's time for me to ask myself: "What do I really want to do?"

Marooned

From a large sea-worthy vessel capable of weathering any storm, I marooned myself on a lonely island. Away from the raging dark, rippled surface of the ocean with mighty swells that lash at the hull. Over here, the water is calm and clear. I can see my feet right through the water. Life is pleasant and carefree. There's an abundance of resources to last me for some time; coconuts growing on the trees fringing the beach and fish swimming in the shallows.

Alas, my time here in paradise will run out once my resources run dry. There's only so much that the island can support me without working the earth and sowing the seeds. Even the bountiful shores aren't spared and I will be forced to venture into deeper waters to fish.

Farewell trolls!!!

It's now the merry month of May and this is a long overdue update on what's been going on in my jaded little accountant life:

30 April was a day I was looking forward to as it was my final day at work. After 7 long, torturing months in this hellish workplace, it was finally my turn to redeem my life as a free spirit. Free from the chains that bound me to my desk 5 days a week, sometimes even 7 for more than 8 hours a day. I do not have anything nice to say or remember about this place; only seething hatred towards the entire system which is a failure. As a well-known multinational employer, you do acknowledge the fact of extremely high employee turnover but do nothing to address the problem. It's a vicious, endless cycle that will always bite you in the back. I did not pen the 'customary' final email that most resignees write, nor did I go around bidding farewell to each and every member of the team. Instead, I departed silently with my goodbyes and handshakes reserved only for those closest to me and with whom I enjoyed a great working relationship. I will miss my lunch buddies - all 3 of them. We went through a lot and shared our ups and downs together. We were also an awfully crazy lot always on the prowl for lots of fun and great food. But in life, we need to move on. Sweet memories of our lunches will always be cherished forever. And as for my working experience here, I can say that it has opened up an entirely new perspective of working in this industry and all I can say is that I will NEVER return.

 

1 month to go...

It's my final month here in this dungeon - in the office that never sleeps. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I'm so glad to be leaving this nightmare behind. I need some time to recuperate from this ordeal. I feel weary and stretched.

Delinquent with a capital "D"

I come in late, I don't immediately respond to emails and instant messages. I only choose to work on what I feel comfortable with. Deadlines and a sense of urgency have lost their importance to me. Nobody can boss me around here. Give me a piece of work that I can't handle and I'll throw it back at you. I take long lunch breaks and sporadically tip-toe away to run my own errands. I do not attend compulsory company events, nor do I attend meetings and training sessions as scheduled. Yes, I have become every bosses' nightmare - a delinquent employee. I don't want to be here anymore. I need to get out. Fast!!!

Mid-week rant

I feel utterly miserable at work. I'm into my sixth month already but I just cannot cope. Suddenly, everything is due on the same date and I just don't know how to do anything at all. I feel like everything that's asked of me is an impossible task. This stinking job here is way beyond my threshold for the unknown. I'll rate it as 10% known, 90% unknown. Now, can someone just tell me how am I supposed to do my work if I don't know how to do 90% of it? Why the heck did I even get hired? Oh, I remember now: to replace the employee who left on short notice after working here for about 5 months only. She probaby couldn't handle all this endless shit hurled at her. And now I'm afraid that I too am facing the exact same situation. I really ought to have just resigned last month to save myself from drowning in all this mess.  

The jaded accountant's new clothes

I really do love shopping. It's the exhilarating sensation I get when I walk into a shop and exit with a shopping bag in hand. Especially if it's a large shopping bag.

Recently, I made some significant purchases (significant by my standards, that is!). I have been regularly checking GAP's website for the season's latest releases and even more frequently monitoring their stores for new arrivals. There is this one pair of GAP slim fit tailored khakis in deep cobalt that I have been eyeing since I first saw it online. The moment I saw it, I knew I had to own a pair. I have an affinity for the colour blue. I love the attention I receive when I stroll around in my new khakis. In fact, I even received a compliment from a co-worker, who said "Hey, nice pants!"

I have also been looking out for a new pair of leather shoes to replace my current pair which is more than 2 years old. It has served its purpose well as its soles are now quite worn out and pose a hazard on slippery, wet surfaces. By collecting loyalty stamps over the course of 3 months while dining at Isetan's Eat Paradise, I managed to redeem enough shopping vouchers to enjoy a 20 per cent discount off my new pair of Clarks shoes. Rather than going for the safe, standard, formal black, I decided to lighten up my soles with a pair of Ginsberg Band in walnut leather as various shades of brown seem to be all the rage in office wear these days. I adore the contrast when I pair them with my blue khakis to make a fashion statement.

The next ordeal

In September last year, I rather reluctantly accepted my current job. To make life more bearable, I told myself I'll just give it a go for a couple of months since the money was good. From one month, it became three months. Then four, five and now I'm in my sixth month, and possibly extending it to my seventh. This is not to say that I am loving every moment of it here; in fact, I was so ready to call it quits in my fourth month after going through eleven days of working round the clock for the year end accounting close. I have been living each month as it comes as if it's my final month at work. When there are reports due and extemely tight deadlines to meet, the only way to meet work demands is to work overtime without any additional compensation for the extra hours apart from a meal allowance. Staying back past twelve o' clock midnight is not uncommon at my current workplace. Apart from the comfortable pay cheque, the thought of throwing in the towel and leaving this wretched work culture behind me keeps me going each day. I have been discussing my impending resignation with my immediate supervisor since the start of the year. I extended it from February to March. Naturally, the company wishes that I will stay longer. Given the never-ending nature of work and the peak starting next week and lasting for approximately one month, I've decided to finish off what I started here. I will need a tremendous amount of support to get me through this next ordeal...

CNY 2013

It's the night before I return to work after a wonderful week long Chinese New Year break and my heart heaves with that familiar feeling of dread. After all the joy of being together with family, feasting endlessly on good food and wine and partying, it seemed that CNY just came and went so quickly. With all the "aliens" (country folk) gone back to their "planets" (home states), the Klang Valley was devoid of its usual hustle and bustle. In its place, peace and quiet gently settled upon the capital of Malaysia. Less people, less traffic, less noise. I did not need to breathe in the putrid smoke coming from the old chain-smoking dragon who lives next door, not did I need to listen to the terrible screeching of the violin from the tone-deaf neighbour behind. Even my strange dreams disappeared and I woke up each morning feeling well rested. If only this could continue for 365 days a year. Alas, all good things must come to an end as the city resumes its usual pace tomorrow and my strange dreams begin again.

The crocodile, the witch and the desert

Hooray! It's the start of a long weekend and I finally have some "me" time to catch up on new posts for my blog. I have been terribly exhausted at the end of each week that all I do on weekends is just sleep in to recuperate from the energy-draining analysis work that I do. I have never felt so fatigued in my life before in all my 5 years since I first joined the workforce. Perhaps old age has finally started to creep in. My youth will be diminished and dark circles will start appearing under my eyes. My hair will start to fall and a lobe of fat will appear around my waistline.

The only interesting bit in my life is that my dreams have been extremely random and vivid lately. I once dreamed that I had to cross a broken bridge over a swamp inhabited by a giant crocodile. In another, I was safe inside a wooden house with three witches waiting for me outside. On a separate occasion, I dreamed I was in Darwin (although I have never been to Darwin before!) watching a thunderstorm heading my way through a large glass window from the safety of a friend's house. In my dream, I pictured Darwin to be a barren desert inhabited by wargs (large, wolf-like creatures from Tolkien's Middle Earth). In each dream, I can feel my chest pounding from fear and anxiety, and it leaves me feeling exhausted each morning when I wake up to go to work.

Red and yellow and annoying repetitive songs

It's that time of the year again when all things red and loud get displayed and promoted prominently because... Chinese New Year is around the corner. With just 3 weeks to go, retailers are pushing hard to increase their turnover during this festive season. The Chinese community will be buying up fresh produce, seasonal food items and new clothes for the lunar new year. In Malaysia, there never seems to be a lack of an opportunity for a good sale. The Christmas/Year-end sales just ended 2 weeks ago. In my usual 'grinchy' attitude during this time of the year, I will be prudent and shun all things blaringly red and yellow, or anything associated with the season. The annoying repetitive festive music playing in the shopping mall will be treated as white noise whenever I come out for lunch break. In fact, if I had a choice, I'd rather shut myself up in a hole until CNY has gone. Peace and quiet will be plentiful and I do not need to answer to pesky relatives.

My living hell

We're almost reaching the middle mark of the month of January tomorrow and I haven't written anything since the new year began. For one, I just completed my first year end accounting close and have been working round the clock for 10 whole days including weekends. The last 2 weeks of my life in this new company has been nothing but a living hell. I have stayed back to work in the office until after 11pm and on one day stayed until 2am just to meet the ridiculously tight deadlines of the accounting close. Getting by with insufficient sleep, I can feel that my eyes have shrunken and I can see dark circles starting to appear under my eyes. Well, I heard it's all over now and it will not come back to haunt me until a year's time when year end accounting close comes again. That is, IF I am still here to face the torment again. But still, I feel like a part of me has been scarred, and that scar will never fully heal.

Happy New Year 2013 (I hope so...)

It has been a while since I last wrote a post. Work demands haven't been so accomodating lately to grant me the liberty of self expression and idling in cyberspace. I haven't exactly known happiness since I started working here. Apart from a decent paycheck and a healthy bank balance, I am extremely unhappy and worrisome. As of yesterday, I just passed my 3-month milestone. How much longer do I need to suffer? How much more can I take before crumbling? I have often pondered what death feels like. Every night when lying in bed, I wish that I would go into eternal slumber, never to wake up to the horror that lies before me each day at work. From my office, a climb over the metal railing of the balcony and a leap all the way down 16 floors to my death would seem like an easy end to all my problems. Except that I can't bring myself to do such things. I don't want the whole world to see my innards and brains splattered on the ground below. And I can't bear to think of those closest to me mourning my "unnatural" death. Suicide just feels extremely selfish. So what can I do about this mess that I am drowning in?